yesterday night was so fun but gabrielle sent me home early. she said i was too drunk but this was a divided topic. marzia, gabrielle, anthony, and krissy, all thought i was too drunk and should go home. me, benny, and sam thought i was fine. it was really fun, jay and his friend gus were there too. i met gus and krissy for the first time yesterday although i already knew of krissy from legend. i was too nervous to say too much to benny yesterday but marzia convinced me to just straight up call him attractive on my last class with him and then gaslight him as if i didn’t say anything right after and i think i can do that. i don’t know though because i thought i could do something more yesterday and i didn’t. thinking about it now i think it was because the environment and energy was different from what i thought it would be. also benny knows a lot of people so he was talking to people all the time, he didn’t make me feel like he wasn’t giving me enough attention though somehow, he’s good at that. gabrielle and marzia were attached to my hip all night anyway. i love them but they’re being weird lately. gabrielle is lowkey trying to convert me to christianity? and marzia reposted weird anti-islamic shit on her story? idk what to do because trust me i tried to dm her about it and we talked for so long but i got nowhere with her. it’s so weird bc usually i feel like i can tell when someone is weird but maybe that’s just my privilege in this context bc i’m not muslim. things i need to bring up to benny tuesday and wednesday:
oh my god i just realized i didn’t write yesterday. i’m on the train to ryan’s party i’m so excited. i look so hot and i have tequila in my bag. i ran to catch the train to meet up with marzia i was so close to not making it, it only runs every twenty minutes on the weekends and it goes to hoboken too. i actually think i might not be too late to meet up with her, it’s hard to tell because i never take the train on weekends and i have to walk like 15-20 minutes to get there too. my asthma definitely flared up after running in the cold like that or maybe at all. i feel better after standing in the train though. i guess i should really be carrying an inhaler around. i don’t have my epipen i forgot it but maybe i wouldn’t have brought it if i remembered anyway. i ate before going so i just have to not eat anything maybe. yay yay i’m so excited yay! yesterday i made ryan’s gift and washed my hair. today i did my laundry and went to the food pantry in the morning. crazy how i could be so busy without any schoolwork involved. ryan has a disney channel theme for her party so i took a long time figuring out my outfit. i knew i could do it without buying anything but it was both harder than i thought and came out better than i thought.
this morning i woke up and i tried to vent to my mom about the carl project. she immediately started acting like it’s my fault, i’m not even sure why she was awake before eight it’s not like she has a job or anything. she was saying that she was noticing a “pattern,” yeah asshole i notice one too, it’s almost like there might be other things that are going on in my life that could be affecting my full-time job. anyway, i hope jason and amy really still want to skip carl’s class and smoke weed because if i was on the fence before i’m definitely off of it now. then i’ll go home and lie to my mom about how carl’s class was and the world won’t end. like. i want to smoke weed now actually. i want to smoke weed now with benny and later with jason and amy. i can’t stand sandy anymore either. either you’re woke and mind your business when i’m out of school or you’re an asshole that doesn’t take being sick as a good enough reason. i mean, i’ve known she’s fake woke anyway, but genuinely what are you pissed at me for. jebediah is fake woke too but that’s different because he only shows his true colors when he talks about his wife. he’s our nicest professor he’s a bit of a ramblefest but he’s my favorite. i think there’s something wrong with my stomach bc i’m shitting at school right now and my asshole is burning. i’m on the train back home now and there’s a cute guy on the train. i like to look at people’s shoes on the train. carl was nice today. i told jason and amy that i think that’s because everyone else in class was struggling with trying to portray a “concept” in carl’s definition for the second project while i was struggling in the first project and now it is vice versa. the guy on the train is looking at me but now i’m scared i only realized because i was looking at him. tsk tsk tsk. i’ll just look at my phone and write from now on. there’s someone sitting next to me drafting some sort of diagram. i have absolutely no idea what it’s about even though they’re writing words. i’m less afraid of professors now i might’ve already said this. carl looks more and more pathetic and submissive everyday it’s a good thing the semester is ending soon. jason had a girl hit his face today like she rocked his shit. i think she broke his nose. i hope he’s okay. it’s so much easier for a man to look cute nowadays. relative to my mind palace i mean. i smell bad tonight i didn’t even do anything i just have discharge. like i showered last night it has not been twenty four hours.
i saw marzia and gabrielle do their dance performance today it’s always really good. i wasn’t able to get the little camera to work and it really stressed me out. carl is really in love with the idea and he doesn’t like anything so it really feels like it’s over if i can’t figure out the camera. i won’t be able to finish the letters either. my neck hurts and i feel hot. maybe i can try using one of the old gen iphones in my electronics drawer for the video for carl. club classics by charli is a horny track for me i don’t know why. not many songs are horny for me. i think i made a list about this once though. it’s really hot tonight. i’m going to sleep shirtless i wonder if benny goes to sleep shirtless, i really do. i feel thirsty my throat is dry. i feel like benny doesn’t act like he’s attracted to me but it’s hard to tell because he’s so extroverted.
i overslept and almost missed my psychiatrist appointment but my psychiatrist is really nice so he didn’t charge a late fee or a no show fee. this has happened before. i feel like shit. no one has responded to me, i don’t know if i’ll be able to get a paid internship. probably not. i keep messing up. i can do all the things that they would need me to do but none of that matters when no one wants me. there’s only two weeks of school left after this. i hate doing things other people tell me to do. i hate not knowing. i hate not being the best because if i’m not the best then there’s a chance that i’m not enough. i finished my thesis. i feel more able to talk back to people. i got my free glue gun. i should take a shower. i should clean up my stuff. i should wash the dishes. i should do my laundry. i don’t know what i’m going to wear for the rest of this week i haven’t done my laundry. i feel way worse now. i’m going to get so high. ally said she made a thousand bucks from doing a short form video for adobe with their apprentice program. she didn’t seem in a good mood yesterday but she lit up when i told her i liked it on both linkedin and instagram. i need to do the same thing i think. i was really hoping i wouldn’t have to give in to adobe like that. i need to send more cold emails. i kind of only have a few places left to apply to so after that i guess it’s going to be all cold emails or i look somewhere else. i hate myself why can everyone else do it and not me. i’m high now.
my leg still hurts mildly. i want benny to kiss it better and massage it better. i slept an insane amount yesterday. i stayed up until 4am on saturday and i participated in disordered eating yesterday as in i nly really ate one full meal yesterday. i should reevaluate the consequences of not eating well. i cannot pinpoint how much i slept yesterday and at what times so i won’t know the consequences until they happen to me if they happen to me. i’m on the train to school now. i picked up my medicine on the way. i also have to get a lightbulb from home depot at the request of my mother. michael’s put a 5 dollar voucher in my mom’s rewards account and i know she isn’t going to use it so i went ahead and looked at what i can do with it. combined with their 40% code i can get a hot glue gun and refills for free which i’m really happy about. as someone that makes things all the time i should’ve gotten a hot glue gun years ago. the train car i’m in was completely bought out by this ai investment company which is really strange i think no one really has money right now. they didn’t layout their typography well either. their logo is cute. i need to do my laundry. mia says i can do better than benny and that i should go out to the club to meet people. i would do that but she says i need to pay cover and i can’t do that. i’m saying that but maybe i need to stop saving money like that. i’ve mentioned this before. but she’s right there’s so many cute boys out there i see them in my phone screen sometimes.
i woke up with the nastiest charley’s horse. when i stood up i had to limp around. i’m smelling chocolate right now and i don’t know why. i drank an incredible amount last night, more than i have ever drank before, anywhere from 6-10 shots of vodka and 3 bottles of seagram’s, but i didn’t nearly get as drunk as i’ve ever been before. i was barely drunk and i’m not sure why. i did eat but i ate enough to satisfy, not even to a point where i was full. this morning i took the biggest shit i’ve taken in a while so maybe that has something to do with it. i want to tell my mom how much i drank to see her reaction but i risk an unskippable lecture cutscene on why it’s bad to drink so much and why i shouldn’t drink shots of anything in the first place which is a real opinion she has. maybe when we aren’t getting evicted we can splurge on mike’s hard and cheap wine but even the cheapest wine does not get you nearly the same mileage as a <15$ liter or 750ml of vodka or tequila. otherwise she doesn’t really have the right to say anything on that. my stomach hurts and my throat feels sick. i want benny to massage my charley’s horsed calf and to call me cute pet names. i didn’t do anything productive today. i feel pretty depressed about it. i did a lot of sleeping today. i should be productive at least every other day during a break like this to be able to have balance. i’m scared a lot about little and unusual and common things. i’m scared right now because i spent a lot of time on my thesis but i didn’t finish it and i’m not even sure if i’m going in the right direction. i have reason to believe that it is likely that i am going in the right direction but i want to be sure. it is due tuesday before 2pm. i haven’t applied to anymore internships although i’ve written cover letters for my next two applications. no one has replied to my emails or applications yet on internships after i started really getting into it after the design agency that seemed so interested in me said they won’t know if i have the internship until q1 of 2026. if i can’t get a paid internship then the only way out will crumble in front of me. although that might happen either way depending on whether we get evicted or not. i haven’t started fixing the brand guidelines for tomorrow, although that should take a smaller amount of time considering that i wasn’t given much specific feedback so i won’t be able to apply many changes at all. when i’m scared i cry. my chest hurts. when it comes to what i want in a partner, i know want these things:
on saturday mornings we go to the food pantry because we’re poor and if we don’t find 8000 dollars to give the landlord before january then we will get evicted. i have a lot of spite and blame for my mom because it’s easy for me to think those things and i’m so sure if i was the one in control we wouldn’t have ended up here. i don’t like not knowing or not being in control. i’m in a lot of debt partly because i went to and am still in school despite everything and partly because my mom made me take out student loans to pay rent until they stopped approving them. my dad refused to cosign my student loans (for tuition) when they stopped approving my mom’s credit score, he said the interest is too high. i didn’t tell him why i took out so much money. i think he thinks that i’m using it to fuck around. he’s paying my tuition straight for this semester and my next and last semester which i didn’t think was an option. i had to do my fafsa late because my mom did her taxes wrong but my dad thinks i just forgot to do it. i hope i get a paid internship. if i get a paid internship then i can’t tell my dad because he’ll stop paying child support by contract. for a long time i will have to pretend i don’t have a job to my dad if i get one. they set the court date for the eviction hearing during january when i’ll be on a cruise with my father’s parents and my father’s sister and her family in the caribbean. so it isn’t an option to not pay the 8000 dollars ahead of time to dismiss the case. my mom is avoiding it. she wants to make decisions without calling a lawyer and she’s putting off asking for loans from her rich friends. she has too much pride so i will blame her for everything. no one has emailed me back. i can’t live in my father’s house. i’ll never be as close with him as i am with my mom. my body is allergic to that town too. i need to get an inhaler again. it’s beautiful though. there’s deer everywhere and all sorts of birds. they have a patio with a glass door. they have so many things. they buy things on amazon and tiktok shop and instagram all the time and throw things out all the time. my father doesn’t need that job, his girlfriend makes more than a million dollars a year she told me. they have so much space. when my grandparents came, my grandfather implied that they should’ve bought a bigger house but they already have too much space. it was so cold today waiting in line at the food pantry. because of the food pantry, i’ve tried food i’ve never had before. i’ve always wanted to try using too good to go but this is the same thing isn’t it. it’s always a surprise. last week we got butter and cheese. i don’t know how to respond when people ask me where i got the snack i’m trying to give them because i got it at the food pantry and didn’t realize it had peanuts or fish or whole soybean or large amounts of soymilk. i had edamame for the first time two weeks ago and i had to go to the hospital and that’s when i realized i was allergic to soy based on a spectrum. i want to make benny a charm bracelet but i think it might be too early for that. who knows maybe someone will convince me to do it, i don’t take too much convincing. maybe he’ll think i’m weird.
it’s a beautiful morning, today i should do lots of work because i haven’t done any work for two days. i need to:
i want to kiss him on his neck. i haven’t had a crush in a while. what are you supposed to do again. benny is a big nerd. he can be pretty annoying. i wonder if he won’t be annoying if i make him my boyfriend. he’s annoying in a way that raises red flags. stop intellectualizing the brainrot. just be good and say you think the video is cute or funny. like me back and try to impress me. he’s a fan of ice spice. does that mean he likes eating pussy? it would be sacrilege in his religion if he didn’t. it would also be hypocrisy if he didn’t like bush, he’s skinny but grows hair on his arms and hands like a werewolf. all humans on earth are meant to be hairy. he never wears t shirts. i can barely imagine him without a shirt i really can’t. in his defense it’s always cold here in school. i don’t think mat does either to be honest but i don’t pay much attention to him. i think i might be racist. how do i become unracist. i’m not white. benny doesn’t help because that’s the most aryan person i’ve seen in my life. his family must look the same. i’ve never had a real crush on a black person. wait that’s a lie. but still the ratio is so off. and like i’ve had serious crushes on literally everyone else in the main four. main four races is crazy. i’m racist how do i fix that where’s the class i take. benny sort of freaks me out because he has blue eyes. he looks so gentle when he’s sleeping. creeper alert! we should cuddle sometime so i can watch him sleep consensually. i’m drunk. when i’m on drugs all i want to do is kiss cute boys. i’ve been so horny lately. fuck school i want to do what i want. i wanna run my neocities site and draw ponies and have men do my bidding. i need to care less about what people think. benny is attractive to me for these reasons: